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Whatcom Watch Online
A Victory for the Chevords


September 2010

Dear Watchers

A Victory for the Chevords

by Bob Keller

Bob Keller is a retired history professor who has worked on local Greenways campaigns. He currently serves on the boards of Whatcom Land Trust and the Dudley Foundation. His opinions here in no manner reflect policies and beliefs of those organizations.

Editor’s note: The following represents a unique view on the origins and intentions of the automobile and its effects on Earth.

In the distant constellation Andromeda we find Galaxy M46. Within M46 spins a solar system containing the planet called Chevordia. Despite existing 700,000 light-years from Earth, the creatures of this planet, the Chevordians, have recently intervened in our local politics. It’s a hidden story that our mainline media dares not tell. What follows is a full exposé of that intrigue.

The Whatcom Transit Authority 2010 tax effort failed at the polls not because of Brett Bonner, or the much maligned Tea Party, or general tax exhaustion. It failed because of subversion from outer space—subversion by Chevordians.

We know that Chevords have reached intelligence levels at least four or five times that of humans. They flourish in an exceptionally advanced culture, which, after three millennia of conflict and combat, finally rejected perpetual warfare among themselves. They then decided to devote their intelligence and resources to conquering the universe—or at least another galaxy—or at least a few planets. Chevord intergalactic scholars selected Earth as the first test case.

Advance scouts reported back to Chevordia that Earth teemed with disunited two-legged organisms having low intelligence and addictive brains. Earthlings, they observed, were compulsive consumers highly susceptible to advertising and propaganda. If Chevordia could not invade and enslave these simple-minded earth people, the scholars cautioned, their own planet had little chance of success elsewhere in the universe.

As in the film “Avatar,” Chevordian scientists had invented a means of transmitting consciousness and minds to other bodies. In this case the mind would materialize in a form disguised as Earth’s own invention. Their choice was something called “the automobile” with which they first experimented in Paris (1769) and later decided on Germany, an advanced industrial society that became infatuated with internal combustion engines after 1885.

Chevord strategy began slyly, first using the steam-powered French vehicles, then requiring more than a century to introduce noisy German machines that would evolve during the 20th century into the all-conquering “car.” These avataric creatures, auto aliens, frightened children with their two glaring eyes and chrome fangs. Each invading car had a horny voice, humpback, four circular legs, a large tank-like stomach and exhaust tubes for flatulence. They could weigh up to three tons.

The goal was not human mutilation or extermination, although maiming and killing by autos did provide some amusement for Chevord observation posts on Mercury and Mars. Chevords only sought domination and enslavement, eventually rendering human beings totally subservient to automobiles.

To achieve this goal, other forms of mass transit had to be eliminated: horses, trolleys, carts, trains, walking. Once autos became dominant, humans would eagerly pave thousands of square miles of soil, including fertile farmland, in honor of traffic. Car makers and drivers would vastly diminish two of Earth’s most precious resources, petroleum and iron ore. A large number of humanoid waking hours would be spent tensely sitting inside the autos staring straight ahead, while “sprawl” would destroy even more land in the name of individual freedom. Each auto would consume space three times its own size by requiring storage, road room, and destination parking.

Chevords anticipated that entire economic systems would become dependent upon the auto, as would education, recreation and food consumption. Cars even came to demand their own favorite “drive-ins.” To top it off, the earth’s stratosphere could be damaged.

As Chevords prophesied, humans grew to adore and worship these truly illegal aliens. They christened their autos with such names as Beetle, LaSabre, Cadillac, Bronco, Lincoln, Hummer. Most cars got their own private houses (called “garage”) and such extra gadgets as radios, DVD players, cell phones and sun roofs. Owners selected their autos in various colors, then frequently bathed and polished them.

But worst of all for humans, owners had to pay money to obtain this instrument of worldly self-destruction at prices that often put the buyers deep into debt. After 150 years, autos came to control most of the planet’s people, even though humans believed just the opposite.

Threats to the Chevord empire did arise, bikes being one. The trick in this case was to induce bikers to confront cars and demand a fair share of the road, the winner of that unequal contest being obvious. More seriously, public transportation by bus or train must be discouraged and reversed. In Seattle, to cite one example, Chevords have consistently won, although they are now losing in Vancouver, B.C.

In Bellingham, even a miniscule tax supporting anti-car travel had to be defeated. Chevords organized an effective campaign appealing to individual self-interest, their Aye-man achieved lower license fees on autos and bus opponents exposed WTA waste. The aliens won a narrow symbolic victory on April 27, 2010. The entire nation took notice, but as yet no one has recognized who actually won.

A victory for the Chevords of Galaxy M46. §


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