New Year’s “Resitutions”

Back in the day...okay, wait; stop right there. Now that it’s a fresh-baked, showroom-floor, brand spanking New Year, let’s offer up and cleave to a few essential resolutions. Or, as one long-ago acquaintance of mine—a gnarled and grumpy apartment-building maintenance man—used to call them, “resitutions.” I knew him only as “Londo,” and Londo delighted in mangling the Queen’s English. And he had little use for braggarts, sluggards, liars and cheats. In fact, he referred to them as “cruddy tenants.” Seems like I may have learned a lot from Londo, without even knowing it.

Such as, if a phrase is all used up and wore out, it’s best you toss it out like an old split-sole shoe. “Back in the day” is such, and I’d think kindly on them what don’t use it anymore. Besides, the use of phrases like “Back in the day” reflects poorly on one’s ability to recollect events, not to mention tell time. If you can’t remember roughly whenabouts something happened, maybe you ought not remember it at all.

Hence...many moons ago, when pterodactyls ruled the skies and Democrats ran the Congress, this reporter would make grand New Year’s resolutions. Make, mind you, not necessarily keep. It wasn’t till recently (it may well date to the collapse of democracy in America in the fall of 2000) that I quit making resolutions and actually started setting goals. Some of which I’ve even managed to meet. What’s the difference between “resolutions” and “goals”? Probably only old Londo holds the answer to that question, and I suspect he has long since gone to the Great Janitor’s Closet in the Sky. So, in Londo’s honor, I present the following New Year’s Resitutions for 2006...

Resitution #1: Impeach Bush and Cheney. Pick a charge, any charge: election tampering (U.S., Iraq); invasion of a sovereign nation (Iraq); military and/or economic occupation of a sovereign nation (Iraq and most of Central and South America); harboring international criminals (start with the board of directors of Halliburton); abrogation of international treaties (insert any environmental accord here); contravention of civil rights and liberties (U.S., et. al.—is there anyone this administration has not spied on?); draft evasion (remind me, exactly how did these two cowards serve their country in times of war?); drug/alcohol abuse and promotion thereof (both of these notorious booze hounds have conspired to drive me, for one, to drink); and general incompetence and misuse of the public trust on a grand scale. Egregious defecation upon the fundamental constitutional principal of the separation of church and state.

Resitution #2: Bring Rumsfeld up on war crimes charges. Being as our Secretary of Defense is dumb as a really, really dumb post, it may be difficult to make these charges stick, but the way in which he has encouraged our military to mistreat prisoners of war and un-charged sovereign citizens is beyond criminal. Do we really need to combat alleged terrorism by becoming terrorists ourselves?

Resitution #3: Free healthcare for all Americans. Right-wing fundamentalists still refer to this as “socialized medicine.” Which would cause even Londo to guffaw. If the richest, most powerful nation on the face of the earth cannot provide its citizens with free and universal access to something as basic as medical treatment, then exactly what do we represent to the rest of the world? Nothing more than an oligarchy run by religious fundamentalists who cater to a wealthy and powerful elite. Sound familiar?

Resitution #4: A residential/retail building ban for all of Whatcom County. Why are we succumbing to the land speculators, developers and bankers by catering to their “if we build it, they will come” mentality? How is this enhancing our sense of community and quality of life? Why do we continue to waddle along on low-wage, low-benefit retail treadmills while discouraging environmentally friendly industry and enterprise?

Resitution #5: Protection of our water supply. Speaking of building bans, why is construction still allowed in the Lake Whatcom watershed? And if folks want to continue to buzz their pleasure vessels on top of our water supply, why not charge them for the privilege? Annual Lake Whatcom use permits could raise sufficient funds to treat the water and buy up the land surrounding it.

Resitution #6: Pick your solution: work for a cause or run for an office. Put a goodly chunk of your time and energy into it, but try to keep your working and running local. The national picture is so full of corporate crabgrass that we really need to re-seed our nation from the soil up. Drag democracy kicking and screaming back to America by its roots.

We’ll follow along on the progress toward these goals as the year progresses. Meanwhile, scrub your terlets, keep your carpets clean and try not to be such a some-bitchin’ cruddy tenant towards poor ol’ Mama Earth. I’m sure Londo would empreciate it. §

To contact Matthew, to add spice to this casserole, or to order his new book, “Original Recipes” (it’s a “best-of” collection of columns from 1985 to 1995, not, thank heavens, a cookbook!), please write to P.O. Box 28983, Bellingham, WA 98228; or email mdthuney@email.msn.com. You can find “Original Recipes” at Village Books in Bellingham or Pioneer Books in Ferndale.