Water, Water Everywhere

Recently, Florida Governor Jeb Bush (R-Fossil Fuels) paused for a brief moment of reflection during a news conference discussing the destruction wrought by Hurricane Dennis. Why had his beloved Florida been ravaged by so many monster hurricanes over the past year or so? Governor Bush (R-White Christian Male Party) thought a bit (now there’s headline news), then sagely opined, “That’s a question only God can answer.”

According to CNN (Certainly No News) and MSNBC (Most Simply Nothing But Conservatives), the news conference ended at that point. But what you probably don’t realize is that at that precise moment, God barged to the podium, shoved Jubya aside, seized the microphone and spoke…

“Yes, and I’d like to answer that question. Why Florida? Because you folks really screwed up the elections in 2000 and 2004. I don’t like arrogant little pissants manipulating the free will of my creatures. So Florida and the rest of the Red States will be on the receiving end of a little bit of My tough love for the next few years.

“Why the rest of the Red States?” God asked, “Let Me ask you a few questions. Haven’t I tried to teach you people unconditional love? When did I say, ‘Love your neighbor like yourself…except if he or she is gay, Muslim or liberal?’ And when did I tell you, ‘Liberal is bad, conservative is good’?

“Where did you get the idea that I gave you dominion over this glorious world so that you could rape and pillage it? I don’t recall telling you that ‘Waste is good and greed is even better,’” said God, “Where do you get this crap? You read My Words, study My Teachings and what do you do with them? You discard whatever doesn’t fit your petty little desires, and twist the rest around so that you can feel good about hating others that you claim I don’t like and doing violence to the very planet I gave you as a gift.

“Shame on you,” God intoned. “Heaven is not a place where the smugly self-righteous go after they die. Heaven is right here, if you make it so. I send my Sons and Daughters here to teach you that very thing, to show you the Way, and what do you do? Twist Them into martyrs and sacrificial lambs. Trust me on this one: I do not send my Children to you merely to atone for your sins. Honestly, I don’t even know what that means. Do you feel so guilty that you need to implicate Me in your crimes against nature and each other? No, I send you my Children to teach. The lesson is simple: Love yourself, love one another, love the Earth; and I hope you’ll love me, too. Stop with the worshipping, the preachers, the bishops, the churches, the mosques. Enough already. Just learn the lesson.

“Until you do, expect more rain, drought, flooding and thirst where you least need it. You could learn a lot from water. It’s one of My favorite creations! Water is the giver of life. But as it sustains and nurtures, so can it overwhelm. Gotta love an element that can do that! You might want to take better care of each other and My water. Or My water will take care of you,” concluded God, “One way or the other.”

And with that, She stormed from the stage.

* * *

So now there’s an attempt to put poison in Bellingham’s drinking water. Little thing called fluoride. You might want to vote against that.

Does fluoride promote healthy teeth? It would seem so. Lots of studies back that up.

Is fluoride a poison? No doubt about it. Check it out: http://www.nofluoride.com http://www.fluoridealert.com and http://www.fluoridation.com.

So we have a dilemma. When confronted with a dilemma, what’s the best thing to do? How about letting individuals and families decide for themselves. As for me, I already brush with fluoridated toothpaste. My dental health is just peachy. I don’t need or want fluoridated water. Those of you who want to drink the stuff, that’s your decision. Get tablets. Fluoridate your own damn water.

Just don’t insist that I ingest that crap as well. Little thing called freedom of choice. §

To contact Matthew, to add spice to this casserole, or to order his new book, “Original Recipes” (it’s a “best-of” collection of columns from 1985 to 1995, not, thank heavens, a cookbook!), please write to P.O. Box 28983, Bellingham, WA 98228; or email mdthuney@email.msn.com. You can find “Original Recipes” at Village Books in Bellingham or Pioneer Books in Ferndale.