Monty Python and the Electoral Process

A few weeks ago, my wife and I brought our lawn chairs to the back yard of the Bellingham Public Library to watch the Traveling Pickford Show’s outdoor presentation of the film “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” (Great Britain 1975).

As is my wont during all things Python, I laughed till tears streamed out of my eyes and snot burbled from my nostrils. Occasionally, mid-guffaw, I’d elbow Donna, repeat a line from the film (e.g., “What, the curtains?”), pull out a handkerchief, wipe my eyes and nose, and glance in Donna’s direction just long enough to see the puzzled look on her face as she stared quizzically at the screen.

It’s a good thing that a mutual appreciation of British humour isn’t high on the list of prerequisites for marital bliss. Some folks “get” Monty Python, Benny Hill and Fawlty Towers. Some folks don’t. Heck, I’m susceptible to the same baffled “What-the-hell-is-this” expression on my face when I’m forced to watch “The Sound of Music.” Donna loves that film. Go figure.

And I sported the same bafflement, mug-wise, while watching the coverage of the recent Democratic National Convention. Apart from the fact that anyone without cable TV couldn’t actually watch the convention, this reporter was flummoxed by the haphazard way in which convenient labels were blithely attached to candidates and issues.

John Kerry? He’s a liberal. Bush II? A conservative, of course. The environment? The liberals are all for that issue. Same-gender marriage? The conservatives oppose that one. And so on.

Excuse me? Exactly who is affixing these stickers willy-nilly to various politicians and ideas? And who asked them to whip out the old label-maker anyway?

Let’s take a step back, away from the “pundits,” and have a look at some issues behind the labels.

The Environment: Liberals think the people, through the government, ought to protect it. Conservatives believe those who own the land or operate upon it should be responsible for its preservation. But here, as elsewhere, there are other ideologies in play. For socialists (not a negative name, merely a descriptive one), the only real way to insure environmental protection is for the government to own the land. Fascists (again, merely a descriptive title) feel that control over the land and its resources is best governed by a chosen few who are competent enough in stewardship and business to do what’s best for the environment.

Marriage: Liberals tend to avoid the decision about who has the right to marry whom, concentrating on equal protection and responsibility under the law for those who decide to marry. True conservatives believe marriage is a fundamental exercise of civil liberty; government has no say regarding who can marry whom. Socialists embrace both opposite- and same-gender marriage, as long as it’s covered under the umbrella of governmental safeguards. For fascists, marriage is defined by a specific set of beliefs and practices laid down by a religious or philosophical elite.

The Economy: Liberals see some sort of combination between private enterprise and public welfare as the best way to stabilize a strong economy. Conservatives want to keep government out of the economic sector. Socialists view government oversight of business as the only way to ensure the prosperity of the whole community. Fascists entrust economic well-being in the hands of a select cadre of capitalists and entrepreneurs.

Healthcare: Liberals want low-cost healthcare for all citizens, via a combination of public and private agencies. Conservatives feel it’s only right that individuals and families provide for their own healthcare. Socialists prefer free healthcare provided by the government without any private or corporate intermediary. Fascists believe that healthcare is best provided by those medical and corporate interests that are most successful.

To sum up: If we’re going to wax pundit-like, we ought to dial up the old label-maker and apply the following stickers…

The Democratic Party = The Liberal Conservative Party

The Republican Party = The Liberal Fascist Party

The Libertarian Party = The Conservative Party

The Green Party = The Conservative Socialist Party

There! Sufficiently confused? Don’t worry, “It’s only a flesh wound.” You really have to watch some Monty Python. It’s all the rage among Liberal Conservative Socialist Fascist Republicrats.

“And now for something completely different…”

Huge thanks to all of you who’ve emailed information and support regarding the proposed “Commerce Corridor.” Now is the time to galvanize opposition to this monstrosity via a threefold approach:

1. Make sure that every community in the path of this insidious snake is aware of its destructive capabilities and has signed on to actively defeat it;

2. Make clear to those outside the corridor that in no way would they miraculously benefit from traffic being diverted from their communities (it’ll get back to them eventually, and at what price to the “countryside” they so love to visit?), and

3. Make certain that there is a viable, alternate route for the corridor—one that doesn’t destroy countless miles and acres of pristine forest and farmland (say, eastern Washington?). §

To contact Matthew, add spice to this casserole, or to order his new book, “Original Recipes” (it’s a “best-of” collection of columns from 1985 to 1995, not a cookbook!), please write to P.O. Box 28983, Bellingham, WA 98228; or email mdthuney@email.msn.com.