Costume Party!

Yes, it’s time for our annual look at the most popular Halloween costumes. Who’s wearing them and why? And, most importantly, what’s behind the mask. It’s a heated competition this year, what with all the politicians out there trick or treating, trying desperately to look like something they’re not.

And here comes our first contestant, a muscular looking guy in a hardhat. Why, it’s Mr. Job Growth! Mr. Job Growth hands out tokens to the Stock Exchange and assures us that everything’s peachy with the American economy. We are, after all, adding hundreds of thousands of jobs every quarter. Aren’t we?

Let’s take a peek at what’s behind the costume, shall we? Holy crap! It’s Mr. Skeleton! What’s going on here? Well, it turns out that Mr. Job Growth has been bulking up on steroids. He’s been chowing down on an economy that exchanges one well-paying job with benefits (shipped overseas) for two low-paying jobs with no benefits (hello Wal-Mart and Fly-By-Nite Construction). Doing the math now: one job lost, two jobs gained. Heck, Mr. Job Growth is right, the economy is booming! But here comes that damnable Mr. Skeleton again, reminding us that one low-paying, low-benefit job plus one part-time seasonal job does not equal one family-wage, full-benefit job. Hey, let’s ignore Mr. Skeleton, eh? It’s Halloween; candy for everyone!

Now rolling down Main Street in his armor-plated Humvee is The Security Guard. Showing off his arsenal of weapons, he assures that we’re all now a whole lot safer as a result of America’s invasion of Iraq.

But trailing along behind this military monstrosity is Colombo, the Bumbling Private Eye. As Colombo sweeps up after the horrific invasion force, grumbling and mumbling all the way, he tries to explain that America is now safer because its intelligence agencies are finally getting their act together after the easily avoidable tragedy of 9/11. Sadly, the world at large is a far more dangerous place since the invasion of Iraq. The invasion and occupation has turned into a recruiting bonanza for fundamentalist terrorist organizations and Arab nationalist groups everywhere. Geez, Colombo appears to have stumbled upon something! How much longer will The Security Guard continue to make Colombo’s job more difficult?

Hoochie-mama! Take a gander at this Slinky Siren now snaking her way down memory lane. What’s she singing? Something about Vietnam. Something about Senator John Kerry. His war record is questionable, she sings. Senator Kerry dishonored his fellow Vietnam veterans by speaking out in opposition to the war after he returned from voluntary service, she sings. Oh! The Siren of memory lane is so seductive, yet her tones so shrill.

Hmm, what lies beneath the Siren’s sexy sequined costume? Egad! It’s The Naked Truth! The Naked Truth says that at least John Kerry has a war record. George W. Bush has none. John Kerry honorably served his country in Vietnam. Dubya ran and hid behind his family’s wealth and power. John Kerry honored his fellow veterans both by fighting alongside them and later expressing his opposition to the war. Dubya? Well, no one’s quite sure what he did during Vietnam. He didn’t fight. He didn’t dissent. Looks like he just turned tail and skeedaddled. According to the Siren, running and hiding is patriotic. According to the Naked Truth? Not so patriotic. In fact, the word “coward” comes to mind.

Whoa, look out! Here’s one that’s been slithering around for a few months now, hoping to go unnoticed. It’s a gleaming, grinding, gloomy serpent of a thing, which only shows its eyes and tongue when it reaches Olympia: The Cascade Foothills Serpent! Pretending to be an economic boon to Washington state, the Foothills Serpent (Commerce Corridor) is often seen with Mr. Job Growth riding atop its sinuous flanks, promising wealth, riches and prosperity to all in its path.

But hey, who goes there? Why, it’s a bunch of Hillbillies, who toil over the soil, operate shops and raise families right in the path of the Cascade Foothills Serpent Corridor. Wait a minute, these Hillbillies ain’t so dumb. They understand the difference between “commerce” and “land-grab.” They know what it takes to protect a fragile ecosystem. They’ve seen what pipelines, concrete, power lines and steel do to forests, meadows, farms and communities. These hillbillies are united, and ready to fight. But the Serpent is closing in for the kill.

The Washington State Department of Transportation is due to submit its recommendations regarding the so-called “Commerce Corridor” to the state legislature by December 1, 2004.

Before the “studies” and “meetings” morph mysteriously into legislation, may this humble reporter suggest that all of you folks out there who care about the Cascade foothills gather your torches and pitchforks, contact your legislators, stand up to this papier maché Serpent, rip off its sneering mask, and yell with one heart and mind, “Boo! We don’t want your Commerce Corridor tricks; now give us a treat and go back home to Olympia.”

P.S.: I know some of us have given State Representative Doug Ericksen a free ride for a few years now. Good guy, nice smile. But now, with his tacit encouragement of the Commerce Corridor and his smug support for the pro-development sneakonomics implied therein, Doug’s really starting to piss me off. May I suggest you vote for a thoughtful alternative this November? Robin Bailey is that alternative. I doubt that someone as committed as Robin to the preservation and sustenance of the people, critters, and land hereabouts would be beguiled by the behemoth basilisk masquerading as the Commerce Corridor. I urge you to find out more about Robin Bailey: 1659 Birchwood, #137, Bellingham, WA 98225; (360) 714-1505; electbailey2004@yahoo.com; http://www.robinbailey.seattlewebcrafters.com.

So long, Doug! May you and your fellow masked chameleons catch the next flying broom, boxcar and/or 18-wheeler out of Whatcom County. §

To contact Matthew, add spice to this casserole, or to order his new book, “Original Recipes” (it’s a “best-of” collection of columns from 1985 to 1995, not a cookbook!), please write to P.O. Box 28983, Bellingham, WA 98228; or email mdthuney@email.msn.com.