News From Above and Below

It’s downright disconcerting, the noise you hear on local radio these days. And I’m not talking about the sonorous “Lite Rock” sounds KAFE-FM or the repetitive “Classic Rock” of KISM-FM. Neither am I talking about the wondrous strains of classical music of KZAZ-FM (wondrous, that is, if you’re less than ten feet from the transmitter; otherwise it’s fuzz and static), nor the Paleolithic Oldies aired by KBAI-AM (really now, let’s get over this necrophiliac lust for nostalgia).

No, this particular disconcerting noise emanates from our two local “Talk Radio” stations, KPUG and KGMI. Both blare from the AM side of the dial, as in Abrasively Magniloquent.

Being a sporty kind of guy, this reporter often tunes in to our local sports station, KPUG. And for the most part, it’s good stuff. You have “Mike and Mike” in the early morning, Tony Kornheiser after that, Dan Patrick in the afternoon, and home-grown (or is that home-festered?) Doug Lange and Mark Scholten hosting “The Zone” to take you home. All very entertaining, very informative.

But, between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and noon, there screeches forth a bombastic abomination called “The Jim Rome Show,” hosted by a loudmouthed idiot with all the charm (and wisdom) of a fax modem’s squeal, interrupting the final witty hour of Kornheiser and leaving us, the radio faithful, to scramble wildly for our CDs while madly stabbing at the off switch on our crystal sets.

Surely there must be some refuge on the local radio dial from this three-hour hyperbolic wasteland? Well, sailor, no there’s not. Not unless you’re a big fan of Celine Dion, Bruce Springsteen or Classical Static. Or perhaps you’d like to have your eardrums assaulted and brainwaves insulted by the political equivalent of Jim Rome? Mr. Rome, meet Mr. Limbaugh. A match made in the hottest fires of hell.

Because that’s what you’ll find on KGMI from 9:00 a.m. to noon: the eloquently fascist belchings of Mr. Right, Rush Limbaugh. Don’t bother to question his facts—there really aren’t any. Don’t bother to dispute his opinion—he doesn’t really have one. Limbaugh is simply the exceedingly loud mouthpiece of anti-fundamental Christians, un-civil dis-libertarians and corporate socio-environmental despoilers. Rush Limbaugh, like Jim Rome, knows nothing and tells all.

So why are they allowed to ravage our airwaves? Because, when it comes to Talk Radio, Loud is Right. In fact, the louder, the righter. Will Talk Radio become so loud, so far right, that it will eventually become Left and Quiet? A moment of silent meditation: Our Mother, Who art in Earth, hallowed be thy womb….

It was reported in the March issue of this here hippie-type periodical that the Environmental Protection Agency is looking into the status of century-old abandoned coalmines honeycombing beneath Bellingham.

Shocked as much by this disclosure as their inability to capitalize on it sooner, the Building Industry Association (BIA) of Whatcom County (theme song: “Pavement und Rebar Uber Allis!”) is rumored to be planning the following subterranean developments:

•The Grotto: A tasteful yet ostentatious collection of condominiums (starting at $249,999 for a deliciously spacious studio) underlooking the gas mains and water pipes of downtown Bellingham. “Forget bay views,” gushes the soon-to-be-printed promotional pamphlet, “We built those out of existence long ago. Why not partake in the most avant-garde trend of all—luxury caves! Make de-evolution a top-of-the-line reality for you and your loved ones.”

•The Cellar: A tasteful yet ostentatious underground shopping mall. Anchored by such discount/upscale favorites as TrollMart, Fossil Marche, J.C. Troglodyte and Diggers Emporium, this egregious retail infestation will also feature fashionable new outlets. Stylish boutiques such as Victoria’s Stalagmite and Stalactites R Us should soon spring up. Or down.

•Le Dampe: A tasteful yet ostentatious collection of hypogeal restaurants, featuring sixteen new McDonalds’ franchises (you know how the BIA loves McDonalds’ franchises), twelve new pizza parlors (ditto), and seven new très chic eateries (at which only the wealthy members of the BIA can afford to dine). Among the new entrées: the McMossy (tastes just like a Big Mac, only slightly chewier); low-rise pizza with extra, extra, extra mushrooms; and the gastronomically promising Le Bat aux Guano. Don’t forget to floss!

So don’t tell me that our local developers don’t know how to preserve our environment while making Whatcom County a better place to live. Pass me a toothpick (not that one— too much mildew), turn on the radio (cool, you can hear Rome and Limbaugh shouting even down here), and praise Emperor Bush.

We have nothing to fear from the worldwide terrorist conspiracy down here in The Grotto.

Hey, baby, come snuggle up to your dirty ol’ miner. Say, you wouldn’t happen to be bituminous, would ya? §