Change of Pace

It being the merry, merry month of May, perhaps a change of pace is in order. Have we had enough of the Texas/Tikrit Two-step? Enough of (“Survey Says!”) International Family Feud? Enough blood for oil?

Probably not. Probably by the time you read this, the Republicans will be attacking Syria. America needs a new battlefront. God forbid the TV news ratings should fall.

Oops, I forgot—there is no more TV news. Just the gushings of the Republican religious right pawns on Fox, MSNBC, and inane talk shows everywhere.

Who needs to hear any semblance of the truth when you can be jingoistically emboldened by the glorious drums of war and Imperial conquest being beaten by fascist sluts like Rush Limbaugh and Ollie North?

Oh yes, it’s definitely time for a break. A break from blind patriotism, a break from self-righteous nihilism, a break from ism-isms of any way, shape or form.

It’s Spring, goddamit. Enjoy. That’s an order!

The “Nameless Column” has at long last been named. Thanks for all of your creative yet precariously thoughtful entries. Of the countless thousands (if we’re using base two mathematics here) of suggestions—many of them printable, even —the list was finally narrowed down to three lovely and talented finalists…

The second runner-up (which will serve as column title should the winner and first runner-up burn down, fall over, and sink into the swamp) is, “Lean, Mean and Ultra Green,” submitted by, well I’m not sure whom. Except that, judging from the email, it was someone from Brigid Collins House, which is a humongous plus in its own right.

Why didn’t we choose this title? Well, although this reporter might talk a good green game, I’m a long way from practicing all that I preach. Besides that, unless you’ve been listening to my kids or the Republican Party, hardly anyone would consider me a mean person. And finally, lean? I can just hear my mother, brothers, doctor and the late lamented Dr. Atkins howling over that one!

The first runner-up (which will assume the esteemed position of Official Column Title should the winner contract a plague of either boils or sores (or SARS, for that matter), submitted by Air Force Reservist Charlie Jensen is, “Matthew’s Mayhem, or the Never-Ending Search for the Meaning of Life.”

Main problem here? It’s almost as wordy and convoluted as most of my columns. I do, however, appreciate the existential implications of the mediated bifurcational nomenclature, ontologically speaking, of course.

And the winner (which shall serve as Official Column Title whether it likes it or not) is…. “Thuney Casserole!” Okay, okay, so that’s the title under which I’ve most oftly writ. Nothing new, nothing fancy, yet in this day and age of constant change, shifting sands and kids no longer having to walk to school barefoot in the snow uphill the way we pioneers did, hey, there’s something to be said for tradition.

Can I get an “Amen!”? Didn’t think so. Anyway, thanks to fisherperson extraordinaire Buck Meloy for restoring “Thuney Casserole” to its proper position atop this column and restoring us to our senses. Such as they are.

Again, thanks to all of you who contributed to the contest. Stay in touch with your responses and ideas. This is one casserole that thrives on a variety of ingredients.

Recently my wife and I spent a four-day working weekend in Wenatchee. What can you say about Wenatchee? For one thing, a river runs through it. Someone might want to write a book or make a movie out of that.

For another thing, the weather is, to put it kindly, unpredictable. One morning, Donna and I went for a walk after breakfast in soft sunlight and returned forty-five minutes later looking like drowned marmots, picking hailstones out of our scalp.

For a third thing, the folks in Wenatchee are quite friendly. When you’re working overtime late at night, a cop might stop by, see if everything’s okay, and just shoot the breeze; you might get excellent service in a restaurant, the kind of service that leaves you smiling; and it’s unlikely that you’ll encounter a major traffic jam, even in the midst of the “Ridge to River” race.

And, for a fourth thing, you might stay in one of the more pleasant hostelries in the Pacific Northwest. The Warm Springs Inn rests resplendently upon the banks of the Wenatchee River. And its owners/hosts Jim and Kathy Welsh know how to put the B and B in Bed and Breakfast. Comfortable and cozy, the rooms are alive with views of the rushing river and gardened grounds.

And the breakfasts? Well, don’t expect to stick to your Atkins diet at the Warm Springs Inn. Donna and I were treated to Egg Soufflé, German Pup Pancakes (with apples), and stuffed French Toast (with strawberries). Not to mention being treated to good conversation.

Romantic? Just a tad. The place is, after all, located on Love Lane. For a welcome respite from the onslaught of nonsense news and crush of crackly stress, call 1-800-543-3645 or visit http://www.warmspringsinn.com. §