Stocking Stuffers

Ho-Ho-Ho, Happy Hanukah, Merry Solstice, and glorious greetings o’ the season to believers and non-believers everywhere and everywhen!

As we approach the darkest days of the year, most of us engage in what good ol’ President Dubya refers to as “stimulatin’ the ‘conomy.” That is, we buy gifts for one another and delve deeply into debt, all in the spirit of assuaging flagging friendships, getting back into the family’s good graces, and/or lighting up these darkest days of the year for ourselves and those we love.

And, as we all know from our childhood mentors (in my case, Dr. Seuss—sorry Mom!), a gift can light a smile and a smile can light a heart and a heart can light a face and 7,777 lit faces can make a short day ten times longer. Okay, maybe Dr. Seuss didn’t write that. But he would’ve written it if the Cat in the Hat had stayed off the Chardonnay in the Carafe a wee bit longer. Or maybe I wouldn’t have written it if the Matt in the Merlot had begun scribbling this scrabble 77 minutes ago.

Be that as it may (and, as we all know by now, it probably isn’t), one must wonder what might bring a smile to the face of various personages of note during this most salubrious time of year.

Strike that. Not everyone receives cordial presents from Solstice Claus. Oh no. We get what we deserve.

Here’s what a few such deserving personages might find shoved into their stockings this month:

For Rush Limbaugh, a freshly baked, lightly feathered crow pie. While yours truly did in fact presage the pompous buffoon’s departure from ESPN, I took no pleasure in it. What was ESPN thinking when they hired this bombastic blowhard as an analyst on their football pre-game show? On the other hand, Rush was simply offering his opinion; an opinion which, to be expected, was as skewed as a nine-year-old’s field goal attempt.

On the other other hand, I do admit to some mild sniggering when Righteous Rush came a-tumblin’ down due to the very drug use and abuse he has been inveighing against lo these many years. Maybe now we know why they call him “Rush”? Dig in, you hypocritical old fart—I understand the wings and beaks are particularly tasty.

For Jeff Margolis and the gallant crew at Everybody’s Store in Van Zandt, a post-Thanksgiving cornucopia stuffed with good feelings and great cheer. If you haven’t yet discovered this delicious corner of Whatcom County, may I suggest you whisk there as quickly as Santa’s sleigh can fly you. Wines, cheeses, breads, meats, dry goods and dry wit: how can so much bounty be crammed into so compact a space? Recently this reporter sampled (repeatedly) a bottle of Everybody’s Store Red Table Wine (produced by Mount Baker Vineyards). Highly recommended. Guaranteed to warm your hearth and light your tree.

For President Bush, nothing but massive lumps of coal. Which, I’m sure he’d love to strip-mine out of some pristine landscape or other. Dubya has morphed from merely an incompetent boob into a dangerous incompetent boob. Military adventurism, economic hocus-pocus, environmental mastication…what’s next? How many lives will this man cost us? How many alliances? How much debt? How many rivers and forests? Mr. Bush is a one-man wrecking crew, bent on the destruction of our way of life and civil liberties. Which brings me to . . .

For Dennis Kucinich, an industrial strength weed whacker. Not just to chop down the aforementioned Burning Bush, but to slice through the rest of the dandelions running for president on the Democratic ticket. As you may recall, this reporter swore off Democrats during the Gore debacle (yes, I voted Nader), and vowed to remain Green therewith and henceforth. But Democrat Dennis is different. He saw the invasion of Iraq for what it was: a power-grab sponsored by American oil companies to avenge the Bush family honor, sacrificing our brave fighting men and women, with no plan whatsoever for post-war nation building. Kucinich would like the U.S. to withdraw from NAFTA and the WTO.

Those of you who are now hurting due to the loss of jobs at Intalco might want to research the effect of these corporate darlings on our local economy. And, Kucinich would establish a cabinet level Peace Department, which is humorous only to those of you who want America to live in fear because you yourselves can’t stand the idea of living in harmony. Fire up that weed whacker, Dennis; away with the Imperial Know-Nothing and Dissolute Pretenders!

For all of you who are kind and generous enough to support “Whatcom Watch,” may your stockings overflow with luxurious chocolate, yummy (?) tofu, succulent herbs, the love of family, the affection of friends, and the knowledge that you are living and working toward the day when even Mother Earth Herself might smile at this time of year. §